I'm a product of a very Dysfunctional Family. We functioned like all normal families and we have many secrets. One secret we seem to cover up was verbal abuse. Verbal abuse like all abuse thrives off power and control of it's victims. Usually people who are verbally abusive seek to discombobulate the other person's equilibrium. They need the victim to be totally dependent on them for validation. What crippled me about being verbally abused as a child? My self esteem and I looked at others and thought that they quitely possessed a power over me even I didn't have. I would be angry and lash out at times over trivial things and other times be very quite and withdrawn as if someone had just sucked all of the life out of me. I felt powerless, helpless and ashamed of myself.
Like many of us who have deeply ingrained childhood abuse and trauma this thing had
become apart of my existence. As adult, I would seek relationships where I needed to validate myself based on what others thought of me. I didn't feel like I could even think for myself without the permission and acknowledgment from someone else. This behavior is known as co dependence. Yes, it is crippling and very debilitating of one's livelihood. I've found that I matter to myself but it wasn't and hasn't been easy for me. I can tell you I released a lot of people in my life and yes people release me as well. No one wants you around if you aren't willing to go along to get along. More times than not you're seen as a threat, threat to the establishment of sleepwalkers in the family. Other people will usually support the abuser by saying if you would just act like this or say that or why do you have to upset him or her like this. Open guilt and shame toward the victim and nothing for the abuser. The abuser usually has everyone controlled and walking on egg shells. You shouldn't be any different right? Wrong, I say! I'm here to ruffle feathers and I open my mouth. Do you feel that you deserve more? Do you deserve better? Then as my great grandma said to me in 1999. "It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about you but you!" These are definitly words to live by and the words that sent me on my way to healing at the age of 24.
It has taken years and I mean years of counseling and the right people in my life who help remind me of my worth and acknowledge me as a human being and an adult. I am woman hear me ROAR!!!!
